2022

The end of the year is here. It’s my favorite time of year. I love a fresh start and even though we get this everyday, a new year seems to offer that even more.

2021 will probably be a whole chapter in my autobiography, if I ever write one. “The year of breakups.” Actualization of my years of therapy has created a sense of self I wasn’t sure would ever exist and I definitely wasn’t ready for. Finding it has allowed me to be totally aware of my savior complex. As I grew out of it, the dynamics of my relationships changed, and unfortunately-fortunately I lost quite a few relationships. Normally I really struggle when relationships end, but this time my self worth wasn’t interested in internalizing other people’s inability to love, and man IT FEELS GOOD. It’s allowed me to move through each relationship ending with ease that also most feel emotionless, but really, is just this general peace and understanding that everything ends, and everything is a lesson. The biggest lesson I learned this year: when I am alone and lonely, I’m just mostly bored. When I am partnered and lonely, I feel neglected. Having that comparison has brought me so much peace regarding not being partnered. Loneliness has kept me in relationships for a lot longer than I should have. Loneliness is what saw red flags as hurdles. Man, it took me way too long to realize that but I’m glad I did. I’ve since found healthy ways to manage my boredom. Shifting my perspective from “ I want to be partnered to cure my boredom” to “ I’m going to do something to cure my boredom” has given me so much. I am producing more, and I’m finding enjoyment in myself.

The holidays were the big test, and while I struggled through thanksgiving, and a little bit during Christmas, by New Years I had decided those feelings aren’t for me anymore. I solo raged at home, and for the first time in a long time, I had sooo much fun. It was SOOOOO WEIRD. I kept viewing me from this 3rd person perspective..dancing by myself, in a party dress, drinking wine. I have never done that...I’m a wallflower when no one is looking, but put me in a crowd and I’m so down to dance. Wtf! I’m really glad I’m pushing myself out of my shell to spend time with myself. I woke up this morning feeling like a prisoner who’s just been freed. Seeing outside for the first time in 35 years.

I never want to hold myself prisoner again.

Cheers to 2022.

*This year, instead of doing a resolution, I decided to theme 2022. For me, breathing is an area I still am not mindful of outside of my meditation practice. Take a breath, in all senses of the phrase, is something I lack. For instance. I need to take a breath when I get excited. I lack composure and struggle to put sentences together. I need to breath in general more. Take healthier, deeper breathes more regularly. As I write this I keep holding my breath...why?!? So 2022’s theme is “Take a breath.”