What I'm about to say might sound crazy, but here it goes—and honestly, would that be any different from the usual things that come out of my mouth?
10/7/2024 I tandem jumped out of a plane to skydive.
This jump was about so much more than just the thrill. I wanted to honor my friend Matt, who had a profound impact on my life. At his funeral, they played a video of him skydiving, and we all talked about going together on his birthday. That plan never materialized, and now, with his second birthday since his passing just behind me, the thought of jumping lingered in my mind.
I also wanted to celebrate my physical and mental healing—an accomplishment I’ve fought hard for—but I still had my doubts about how my disabled body would cope. Then, someone who barely knows me suggested I go for it, and that was the push I needed.
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I've always wanted to skydive. Ever since I learned about it when I was younger. I remember telling my mom and learning that she too had skydived a few times. I also learned a friend of hers died skydiving,. That didn't change my desires, even as a young teenager. I wanted to go once I turned 18, but 7 months into my 18th year of life, 4 months after my HS graduation, I was in a car accident that took the use of my left arm, making putting my hair up a nearly impossible task. There was no way I was going to sky dive. So much of my life got flipped upside down. All my plans were haulted and now my main goal was regaining the use of my arm despite being told by "specialists" that would never happen.
Fast forward to a month ago, almost 20 years after my car accident, my neck popped and a pinched nerve I had been dealing with for 10 years released. My last major complaint about the residule injury. That nerve was causing slight vertigo, and apparently some vision stuff, because the week that followed I was noticing so many improvements with my vision.
The sun felt brighter.
This whole experience has put me into a state of reminsence and recall. I've spent alot of time the last few weeks thinking about how if I listened to all the "specialists" who told me "you'll never use your left arm again" instead of my intuition, my life would be so different.
I'd still be dealing with chronic pain and suffering from low quality of life, and probably wouldn't be here anymore, just like Matt.
Writing that, some tears come up.
It feels heavy thinking about how every decision we make, we move towards or away from a better quality of life. When I started to regain use of my arm, the decision to listen to myself and fight everyday helped me realize the importance of our intuition which then empowered me to trust mine more. That trust helped me listen when I got the idea to start documenting my depression. The decision to do that ended up being the tools that pulled me out of a deep depression and helped me find a whole relationship with myself. My intuition also inspired what I thought were grand ideas about teaching these tools to others.
Now, eight months into teaching these practices, I feel whole and unafraid to reveal the healer within me. No matter how "loud," "sensitive," or "emotional" I may be, the very words people once used to silence me have become my strength and my favorite qualities. I AM loud, sensitive, and emotional and I find that so fucking beautiful. I feel everything, and I love it. Emotions, after all, are what make us human. Without them, life is just a situation we’re in. With emotions, life transforms into a worthwhile experience, encompassing the challenges that allow us to feel REAL joy.
In order to jump, I had to go against the old me. The old me who struggled to trust, feel safe, and surrender to the unknown—in every situation! My need to control ran the show in the name of self-preservation, a survival tactic among instability.
But as I grew older and my life became more stable, I still controlled. Until one day, I realized that my need for control was suffocating me. It was robbing me of joy, childlike wonder, meaningful connections, and even my will to live. This is what I’ve been healing from.As the plane climbed to jumping altitude, I found myself reflecting on who I am now versus who I used to be. I was thinking about Matt, wondering how he felt during those moments of flight, and how my own jump was transforming into a tribute not just for him, but for myself too. I was ready to let go of the old version of me and leap into the freedom of shedding my shell.
Coming back down to earth, was a literaly and figurative experience. Viewing the world from above, being eye level with the clouds, seeing Philly in the distance, all while in a free fall going 100+ miles an hour! HOLY SHIZZ. By the time I landed, I felt brand new and completely free from my shell. I had an incredible fall… and this time, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men didn’t need to put me back together again. I’ve rebuilt myself stronger, freer, and wholly me.
I feel like a brand new person. I feel alive.
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