Much

What is it about me that my sensitivity is too much? That my feelings feel so hard. Why is it normal for me to reach out to friends to say how my days been rough and I’m looking forward to our already made plans. It’s not even that I’m looking for anyone to handle my feelings. I’m just saying how I’m having a hard time and could really use some company. All I want is to take a break from life and get a bunch of wholesome laughs in to remind me of who I am. But if I am just so slightly off, the people closest to me shut down. They think their aloof presence is enough. And how dare I mention how it hurt my feelings? And how dare they blame their uninterested behavior on me being off. I can’t be my bubbly, colorful self all the time. And if you can’t handle me being off, then it’s not my responsibility to tell what you should realize on your own. If you can’t handle it, then do not be around me. It’s not helping faking wanting to be here for someone. It’s crap. It’s hard to not let it translate into “I’m not worthy.” That idea has such a strong grip on me. But I know that these sorts of things speak to their incapability and not mine. But still, it’s hard to feel like I just don’t deserve this sort of love and connection. People take it for granted so much while others are just so damn desperate for it.

”Moon” by Bjork