My entire life, most of my relationships have been one sided and draining. Every time I would turn the tables and ask for help, hardly anyone has ever shown up. It often ends in fighting and them telling me they can’t be the friend I need. It’s heart breaking to continuously give and give to people I love, only to be left alone in my times of need. I take it out on myself, blaming my emotions for being so sensitive and needy. “If only I had just dealt with this alone, then I wouldn’t have lost a dear friend to me.” So I just go back to helping people, and keep things to myself because I feel like it’s who I am that makes me hard to help. But really, the whole relationship was built on me helping them. I’ll go the entire friendship being there for them. It is no wonder that when I have a really difficult struggle that is impossible to hide, I am told they can’t be there for me. It has caused tons of heartache and bitterness towards people in my life, even though no one is really to blame except for my insecurities.
Realizing I think that “If people don’t need me, they won’t want me” may be the toughest emotional complex for me to break. If people don’t need me, what is going to keep them around? What about who I am is going to make them stay? When I find myself asking this question, I really can’t come up with anything other than reasons where I am helpful, or needed. It was a hard realization to swallow, and it’s an even harder boundary to create. Every time someone says something where I can offer help in some way, I fight everything inside me not to offer, then I go home feeling like an awful human being. I feel like I owe everyone an apology for not helping out as much.
Freaking boundaries. How do you all do it?
“I shall be released” cover by Jeff Buckley