August 25th I wrote:
Fears:
That they’ll leave me here on the playa with no way home. Abandonment
That I have interrupted their lives and they no longer want me around. Annoyance
That I am too emotional. Unworthy.
Theses fears kicked in just about when Burning Man had started. And they tormented me pretty much the entire week until I lost control and stayed in my tent for almost 48 hours sleeping and crying out a lot of intense feelings. I kinda missed the big nights but walked away with more understanding than I can grasp in words right now. However, here is a quick take away I wrote on our drive out of the playa on September 2nd.
Stagnation. On a loop. When do I trust? Who is right?? I struggle to trust myself. Everything feels threatening. But I know I have to take a bit of a leap. I know I can be safe here with them. But there are still stories telling me that I’m too dramatic and too much to handle and as soon as I trust, I am going to loose everyone for above reasons. I keep visualizing myself at 10 years old, desperate for connection. I am stuck there. I can feel and see how my emotions are that of a 10 year old. And it’s really scary to think that trust is what gets me unstuck.