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Cali State of Mind

On Monday, I had to say goodbye to one of my three dogs. Cali, short for California, was rescued from a backyard where she had been neglected, abused and was looking death in the face.

Through the 7 years I have had Cali, she was always there for me. Whenever I would cry, be angry or upset, she would put herself beside me to distract me from my thoughts. She was always so good at knowing when I need a distraction. Knowing when I needed a hug and some love. She was so in tune with my feelings and always pulled me out of my head so perfectly. In the last 6 months or so, my feelings and thoughts had gotten really extreme and overwhelming. For the first time in my life I was actually feeling the true severity of my emotions. Cali still by my side to try and pull me out of my head. But these days I got frustrated with her. Wanted space from her. But yet she still persisted. EVERY TIME. The times I was most frustrated with her trying to distract me, were the times I needed the distraction the most. She knew me better than I knew myself.

She never gave up on me. I could've pushed her away a thousand times in one day and she would still come back one more time to try and get me out of my head. She was an amazing dog who, through her death, still managed to teach me a beautiful life lesson. To always have a Cali state of mind. I want to honor her life by honoring mine the way she tried to. I'll practice vulnerability with a more open heart. I'll take more time for myself instead of getting so wrapped up in my work or my depressive thoughts. When I'm feeling hysterical, I'll think of her and hug my other two dogs. It's crazy to me to think that almost 2 years ago I was told she wouldn't live much longer (her Liver was failing) but she managed to stay strong this whole time. She held out for me so I could learn this lesson. For if she hadn't, I wouldn't have been feeling the way I am feeling these days and this lesson wouldn't be nearly as impactful.

I love you Cali-Girl. Thank you for being the amazing dog that you were. Thank you for never giving up on me even after people face up on you.

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Trauma Response

The last month or so, out of nowhere, I found myself feeling very regressed in my growth and mental health. It was like I had time traveled to a frame of mind before I “did the work.” It was confusing


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