Since making my first post for this project, my body and mind have gone through lots of experiences. Within seconds after making the announcement, I already was considering deleting it all and just keeping it to myself like I had initially intended. Still, this voice was speaking so loud, telling me no. So I listened, and within the first hour I was receiving my first words of encouragement. Wow! I couldn't believe it. I went to bed that night with lots of tears in my eyes. I can't really explain what what I was (and am) experiencing other than this sort of waking up feeling that is also surrounding around lots of confusion. It's totally odd. When I woke up the next morning, I instantly remembered this dream.
I was standing on a stage saying all the things I'm feeling and saying (and will say) in this process of "Unmasking" myself to you all. Everyone was yelling all these things like "attention seeker," "weak," "you're a waste," all over lots and lots of laughter. All I could do was yell back arguments and reasons why you all were wrong.
This dream is totally my reality, as it is for so many people. It makes me so sad. Even worse, it's makes me bitter which causes a very counter productive reaction. So, "everyone" is society in this instance. Society is who I blame for these fears, which closes me up to society. People make up a society. If people are experiencing this same reality and I'm closing up to them (and they are doing the same) how will I/we ever actually break this cycle? By being vulnerable. Scary.ass.fuck. What's scarier to me though, is being in my death bed wishing I had said this and done that. I don't want to live a life a regret. I want to live a life of real, raw passion and connection, and hopefully have that with someone else eventually. Here the most important thing in learning right now though... that if I intend to have that with someone else ever, I need to have that with myself first! I mean how can I except anyone to be vulnerable with me, if I can't even be vulnerable with myself. *head smack*
I’ll be listing one song with each post that has helped me in my life somehow from here on out! "Ágætis Byrjun" by Sigur Rós
