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The First Step

Dear everyone reading this, **THIS IS THE MOST HONEST PROJECT I HAVE EVER DONE. Please respect that**

My name is Jennifer and I'm so exhausted by the emotional masks we all feel we have to wear. So tired of everyone protecting everyone else's feelings because they feel like no one will be able to handle how they really feel! I am so over it, and I'm taking mine off.

I have been really struggling lately. Struggling to stay motivated. Struggling to achieve goals. The general rule of thumb is "If it doesn't affect my bills or the roof over my head, I'm just not doing it." Most of my free time is filled with me sitting on my floor, attempting to create art that doesn't match how I feel, getting frustrated and then crying hysterically. Wandering around my house, picking up shit here and there to ease the guilt of not doing anything. A couple weeks ago, I was feeling hella frustrated with myself. I felt like I'm pushing away all my will power and hard work to create space for my feelings that I am trying so desperately to feel and get through. Not accomplishing things is new to me and it adds to the "I'm just wasted space" feeling. Haven't been contributing to my art, to my responsibilities, or to myself really. One night I was sitting with the frustration, and all of the sudden the voice inside my head said "why don't you document your depression?" Say what!? Why would I do that!? That's so fucking weird. Well yeah it is so fucking weird, but it's also the most honest experience I have had in regards to my feelings. Seeing my depression in an a way that I CANNOT ignore is impactful. When I first looked through some of the images, the emotional and physical reaction was raw. It forced me to be honest with myself for the first time ever. I got to see myself without my protection shield up.

The camera really does not lie.

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