It’s been forever. I thought about posting here just about every other day.
Since May, I have been tripping over new thoughts and realizations. Skipping through creative goals like I am off to see the wizard. Cleaning the glass to my view of the world which has overall made me feel happier, less bitter. Everything seems to be coming together. All my skills, and passions are finding a way to integrate into one life. Worlds are colliding. And with all that my mask (protector) went back on. I did it to myself. I tricked myself into believing that all these things going on in my life equate to happiness. I convinced myself that I don’t need my families approval, or hell, even a hello. Them not visiting is not important to me anymore. Not hearing from them after i have big art shows or having their support in pretty much any way. I don’t need to share all the wonderful things happening in my life with anyone. I am enough for me. And while I am truly leaning to let that be my truth, I still have convinced myself I feel this way before I was ready. When the convincing stopped, it all came down on me at once. All the pain of loneliness and lack of connection with my family. The realization I have to just them go and how hurtful that feels. Ugh, I just reread that last sentence... I swear I feel my chest tighten up thinking about letting them go. I’m not ready to, but not letting them go or at least working on it, it’s hurting me. Today I am choosing me. I am ready to immerse myself into this healing path.