Its been over a year since I have started this project. I really thought I’d feel better by now. Not that I was expecting a certain outcome by a certain time frame, but I kind of felt like a year would pass by and I’d read my first entry and see some difference between then and now. It’s weird, I think I feel more hopeless than I did a year ago. I feel like I have done so much to challenge all the feelings that keep me bitter and walled up, but I just end up back at the same thought process weeks/months later. Still in this same boat. Am I doing this to myself? Do I sabotage things to fit my “I don’t deserve” feeling? Or is it how people generally treat people/me that keep me here. Just writing that made my chest feel heavy. My mind flashes to all the time I was threatened in some way by the hand of someone disrespectful..it happens like someones life flashing before their eyes. I don’t know how to move on from it all when it is still a regular occurrence. How to breath and not panic. How to trust. How to let love be love and nothing else. How to be friendly without “asking for it.” I fucking hate it. I fucking hate all of it. Here is picture of me afraid to look into the camera because I still am not ready to see my own depression eye to eye.
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