This photo is a perfect example of how I feel today, and have been feeling for awhile. Blacked out. The muscles around my heart and chest hurt so much from all the crying I have been doing lately. Especially the muscles around my heart. I can literally feel my heart ache when I become overwhelmed with feelings, as if my heart is truly breaking. Crying hurts tremendously these days. This particular muscle starts to spasm if it goes on for more than a few minuets, radiating down my arm. It’s a clear, physical reminder of the emotional walls I have up around my heart. Through therapy and other means of self care and self realization, I am starting to break these walls down, which physically translates into the muscles needing to be opened, and softened. Starting to realize how I keep myself from connection as a form of protection... my therapist always says “thank God for her,” and while he is right, this protection no longer serves me and only feels like a curse these days. I don’t know who I am without protector. To add to the difficultly of connecting, I have become hyper aware to how pretty much everything I say is a projection of my own opinions and experiences of life. Which, if you’ve been reading along, is a pretty terrible opinion, and I definitely shouldn’t speak. I hate my words. I hear my twisted and confused view of the world spill out with every sentence. It sucks. I’m trying so hard and nothing seems to be working out right. Makes me feel like I am on the wrong path, or maybe that life just wants me to fail. Trying to find the purpose to all this trauma. Trying to make sense of what this all means and why do we all have to go through this. There HAS to be a reason why we all have to go through so much suffering. There just has to.
