Looking back on my life I am realizing a lot. Despite what happened to me, I still was always so vulnerable. I was ALWAYS voicing my feelings. ALWAYS just being myself no matter how much I was made fun of for it. ALWAYS being told I was too much or was being a drama queen. Still somehow It didn't condition me to stay silent with how I felt until I married My ex. I feel like that's when I shifted into this cold bitter person. I had expectations that the person I chose to be with wouldn't make me feel guilty about what I was going through. In the beginning he was very compassionate and understanding of my past and allowed to me to feel freely. It wasn't until about 1 year into our marriage that the guilt trips for still dealing with the emotions from my past came (like they'd ever fully go away). He would put me down so much. I had so much guilt for how I felt but still I dealt with my feelings. Except now I was waiting until he wasn't around. Or I'd go for drives when I needed to let them out and he was home. When I left him I remember thinking "damn, if my husband can't even hear my feelings, maybe feelings really are meant to stay to yourself. Maybe being a feeler is ok, but you don't have to let everyone know. If someone upsets you, just deal with it." This idea didn't sit well with me. I was either going to have relationships and be open about my feelings, or I wasn't going to have relationships at all. And at that point in my life I was loosing people I had been friends with for practically my entire life because I was being too much, or too dramatic. Or they just "couldn't be the person I needed." So I when I left my ex i decided no relationship was better than having one I couldn't say how I felt in. For a year I did everything alone. Never saw anyone. Never ate dinner with anyone. Nothing. It was the worst year of my life.
Finally, after all this time, I am reversing this process. I am learning how to open up again. Realizing that yes, I am too much for some people. That yes, I love way deeper than most can handle or understand. And it's ok. It does not have to translate into me being unloveable. It does not have to translate into self hatred or wishing I was less passionate or felt less deeply. I remember when I did leave my ex, I was talking to a friend, complaining how difficult I was to love... I wanted her to tell me I wasn't, but she wasn't interested in saying something just to make me feel better. She laid it out by saying "you know what Jennifer, you are hard to love and finding someone who matches your energy and your passion will be damn hard to find." Her saying it did it upset me...it was the truth. But it's taken me all this time to really understand what that means for me. It's ok to want to be liked, but that doesn't mean everyone will provide the connection I am seeking. I will be ok with that, eventually. But for now I think I need to figure out WHY I want that connection with everyone!
“Smile” Eyedeas and Abilities
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