How can someone go form having a handle on their insecurities for a good solid chunk of years, and then all of the sudden have such a struggle? I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s clear to me in my interactions with people. Palms sweaty 100% of the time. Stubbing on my words and saying dumb ass shit that just falls out of my mouth and gets twisted because I am so nervous. I just want to hide out for forever, or at least until whatever the hell is going on with me passes. Avoid the insecure feelings and the over analyzing of my interactions. Where I spend weeks regretting something I said that I swear will be the only thing people will remember about me. Ugh. I hate who I appear to be. Some nervous, anxious person who has tears in her eyes half the time. I wish I could just be myself. I wish I could just be the person I am when no one else is around. I want to feel safe again. I hate that it’s keeping me from connecting. That’s what I feel most desperate for. Connection. But somehow I keep doing things that make people want to turn away. Doing things that make people feel unpleasant, or annoyed. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to make it stop, and every time it happens it just feeds my insecurities more. Just confirms what I am already feeling. “I am not lovable.” I feel so beat up by life. I feel so beat up by my feelings. I just want to get passed all this so I can connect with people again.
”By the Throat” Eyedeas and Abilities