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Vulnerability = Pain

You know what the problem with vulnerability is? You have to be vulnerable to people. P-E-O-P-L-E. People hurt you. People use your insecurities as insults. People let their own shit keep them from responding to your vulnerability with compassion and love. I always end up feeling so guilty for how I feel and even worse for saying anything at all. Maybe I am all those insults!? Maybe I am really too much!? I really don't know but I am tired of feeling wrong all the time. This is what keeps me from getting close to people. I shouldn't feel guilty for being worried when I don't hear back from someone for months. I shouldn't feel guilty for saying to a dear friend how I hope for more "quality time" amongst our busy schedules. I shouldn't tell people my insecurities. Being vulnerable with people just means them using that vulnerability to break you down later. You know what, its working. This is what I get I suppose. They say you need people, which I am not going to sit here and act like I don’t, because I do. I REALLY do. But why does needing people mean all of the above? I am really trying to challenge my “vulnerability = pain” thought but its not really working.

“Machine Gun” Portishead

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